If Only...

My husband and I were chatting recently about what we'd do if we had lots of money. I came up with the following:
1) I'd run for local office. I'd vote "no" to so many things my local politicians are voting "yes" to...it seems the motto where I live could be "No tree left standing" or "concrete paradise." Ugghhh...just how many more mow-down-all-the-trees mini-malls and housing areas do we need? Do they not realize that for every new mall they open, they've doomed another mall to a slow, painful death? Do they not realize that there are more houses available now than there are people to fill them? I'd also like to bring to task the flagrant misuse of eminent domain (there is just no way that a McDonalds or Walmart being built should be considered eminent domain--they should have to pay full price just like anyone else.)
2) I'd adopt. I've always wanted to, but I'd want to be sure that I had adequate financial resources to accomodate everyone's expenses. I have my two girls--I'd love to adopt some brothers for them.
3) I'd hire some babysitting and finally finish writing one of the many books I've started. I've written the first few chapters of numerous stories--dating back to my college days. It'd be nice to FINISH one.
4) I'd hire some babysitting and finally finish writing my disertation (ABD just doesn't cut it--although I'm running out of time on that one...)
5) I'd buy up all of those gorgeous wooded tracts of land I see for-sale everywhere and keep them from being "developed." It would be my own land trust kind of thing.

So, I came up with these items--plus a few more fun ones that I didn't list--hey, a girl can dream. But then I pondered--what's stopping me from these goals? Sure, some of these need extra financial resources than what I've got, but what's stopping me from the other goals? Hmmm... What would you do if you had lots of money? What on your list is something you could do now?

Actual Homemaker JOB?!?!

I just had to write about this. Whilst searching the internet for housekeeping tips--after all, I'd like to one day not be quite so hapless--I came across a job listing from CVRNA for a Homemaker. At first, I thought it was a joke or perhaps some guy was looking for a mail-order bride type thing. But, no, it was a serious job description...let's see what a paid, professional homemaker does...


"Homemaker-Personal Home Services - Paraprofessional - Per Diem - Non-Benefitted
Performs light homemaking tasks for client's in their home such as dusting, damp/dry mopping, vacuuming, cleaning kitchen appliances, cleaning bathroom fixtures, laundry and making beds." Yep...that sounds about right--although I'm not great about any of those tasks--I do eventually get around to doing these things. I guess I'm one step ahead--I at least have benefits!
"CRVNA offers on-the-job training to qualified candidates." Who knew there was training available?!?! Perhaps that's where I've gone wrong--I have no training!! Maybe with training I'd be able to sew something without sewing myself to the item!!! (more on that another time.)
"What are the requirements for a Homemaker? ·Must have a high school diploma or GED ·Must be at least 18 years of age·Caring and compassionate ·Dependable and reliable·Able to meet the training requirements·Dependable Automobile with Insurance ($100,000/$300,000) for community work·Acceptable Criminal Record Check report·Completion of a Post Offer Pre-employment Physical Must be able to understand and carry out directions and instructions, record messages and keep records. Is able to read, write and speak English. Is physically and emotionally capable of performing the job requirements."
Out of curiosity, I called and found that the pay varies--from $20-$30 per hour!! My gosh!!This is very handy information to have, methinks...just store it away...

Friendship Bread

Nothing illustrates my haplessness quite like Friendship Bread. A well-meaning friend of mine--whom I'm sure was given this stuff by some well-meaning friend of hers--gave me the starter not too long ago. It was this zip-top bag of whiteish goo accompanied by some instructions. At first I was filled with rosy thoughts of creating some delectable treat for my family. The first instructions seemed easy enough: mash the bag. I thought I could handle it, so I brought the starter home and promptly forgot about it.

The next day, I saw it on my kitchen counter and read the instructions further. That's when I discovered that this Friendship Bread stuff is the housewife torture equivalent of a chain letter, complete with a warning not to break the starter chain because only the Amish (or some sort) know the secret for starting this stuff.

So I was faced with a dilemna: chuck this goop that more and more reminded me of baby spit-up or keep the Friendship Bread chain alive?? Guilt won on that first day--the instructions were easy--I mashed the bag. Day Two (or was it four--I found a weird caveat that the days must coincide with the day the starter was made--I was lost already, but...) I mashed the bag again. Days three through about seven: yep, I forgot about it. My husband found the goop and asked what new experiment this was.

I was immediately overcome by some strange sort of domestic guilt--which I am convinced is the only reason women do this stuff--but I had no choice, I had to throw it out. Which was a good thing...I don't think I had the ingredients I was supposed to add to make this stuff work. That and I don't have any friends that I would want to torture, er um, I mean bless with this stuff.

Throw Pillow Madness

My hubby and I have been shopping for new living room furniture lately. After trudging through store after store, warding off salesperson after salesperson (my gosh, they're like locusts!!) I've been left with one question: what's with all of the pillows?? Only by about the third store did I realize that the reason all of the sofas we'd been trying out lately were so uncomfortable was because each had about nine-thousand pillows on it. So at the third store, we pulled all of the extemporaneous pillows off the sofas and started to find sofas we liked and thought were comfortable.

So what's the story with all of these pillows? Am I missing something? Is this another instance of my Hapless Homemaker self shining through? Obviously these pillows aren't meant for comfort--when they're on a sofa, they leave about two inches of space for a body to sit...and lets face it, I've got way more than two inches of body to seat! To get at all comfortable on these sofas with all of the extra pillows, you have to remove the pillows which results in a giant pile of pillows on the floor. And even my Hapless Homemaker self knows that a pile of anything on the floor isn't good!

Which brings me to interior fashion and design in general. I know most women out there are into this stuff--obviously someone buys all of these pillows--but I just don't get it. Because not only are there extra pillows on sofas, there are also extra pillows on beds. Again, it seems to lead to a pile of pillows on the floor, or do some folks sleep with all of those pillows?

I evidently need to start investing in pillow manufacturing--it's where the real money is, I'm sure of it. Meanwhile, I think I'm going to accept the fact that as a domestically challenged individual, I'm just not going to understand the point of the throw pillow. Whew...I need to lay down...where's my pillow?...

I need a WEMsday!

Back when I worked as a paid, fulltime, 40-hour-per week, occasionally some overtime employee--that is, life BC (before children)--I would, in moments of feeling underpaid and unsung of all of my wonderful contributions to my field, take what we called a WEMsday. I loved those, my Wage Equilization Maneuver days. It was especially fun when coworkers joined in the fun--we'd often hear someone holler, "It's WEMsday!!" and we'd WEM as a group. I miss those days...sigh... As a SAHM, I don't get any WEMsdays. In fact, I don't get paid, I don't get overtime, and I never get praised (well, as the Hapless Homemaker, I'm not surprised by that part, but still, I try...sort of...)

In a recent moment of self-pity, I complained to my hubby and he replied, "Well, you wanted to be a stay-at-home?!? Besides, taking care of the kids is easy...blah, blah, blah" After my initial reaction of (imagining) whapping him upside the head for that one, I did consider what he said. Then I realized what I evidently REALLY wanted was to just stay at home and do nothing. Because being a SAHM is anything but nothing. While it feels like I don't get a thing accomplished, my days are filled with activity--and definitely not easy.

In my pre-SAHM days, I will confess, I thought SAHMs had it made (well, I still do...I am so blessed to be one) but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was so used to my forty-hour work week--nicely organized and structured--that when I was thrust into the world of being up all night, changing diapers, nursing, etc., etc., I thought I would go crazy. But, I evidently make it look easy if I've convinced my husband it is...either that or I need to start taking some WEMsdays--and let him see for himself just how "easy" it is...I'm thinking this Saturday might be the perfect WEMsday...hmmmm...

Now, go eat some bon-bons, y'all!! : )